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April 02, 2004

i'll get bored with you, and feel trapped.

saw spotless mind tonight, found it stimulating. good. i am sure many women see themselves in clementine, i'm no exception.

also thinking about connecting with people. looking at the thread on christa's blog, what joe said about connecting with every person he speaks with. make eye contact, listen, don't talk at. i don't do this. i'm often conscious of not doing it. the eye contact thing. i find myself compelled to look away. i can't tolerate the gaze of some people. there are leading questions i think of asking, and don't. i'm terrified of where the conversation may lead. it might become too intimate. i might be exposed. i will relive the moment when a boy said to me, "i didn't know you were so serious about us", that tingling feeling that comes up my back, prickles my neck and makes me sweat and feel as if i am not attached to the ground. like when i called my dad to ask when i was going to see him and he said, no, not this summer.

thinking about outsiders and insiders. my father is the ultimate outsider. he wraps himself away from the world. he finds a wife, and they create a shell around them into which no one can penetrate. his second wife didn't want him to have contact with anyone else in the family. his third wife pulled him around her like a blanket and retreated deep into shyness the first time she came to grandma's house while i was there. when the priest said, "forsaking all others" at their wedding, that was the moment i couldn't tolerate.

i often choose to be with people who are outsiders. people who have few or no friends, little connection to the world of people. people with lots of friends, who seem to be facile with human relations, intimidate me. i feel like i'm out of their league, like we speak different languages. the ones i'm close to constantly have to answer my questions of, how does this work? this people thing?

and yet.. ultimately, i get bored if i spend all my time with people who are most comfortable in their own company. and if it's a boyfriend, like clemetine, i feel trapped, like the ruts and comfort-seeking habits make it into a Dead Thing, and when it's over i feel a huge sense of relief. like i can be myself again.

Posted by lisa at April 02, 2004 12:24 AM | TrackBack

Comments

1. I once idolized a man who was later described as "a gregarious loner." I still idolize him, but I no longer consider him a role model.

2. If one could be comfortable without being static or complacent, would that be an OK brand of comfortable?

Posted by: Phil on April 2, 2004 12:49 AM

1. tell us more about this gregarious loner, i am curious. or mail me offline and tell me. or tell me when we go for a walk.

2. i guess so... i don't know! i need to be able to change. change usually isn't comfortable. i need to not be held back. i am sure i create this problem as much as the other person.

Posted by: lisa on April 2, 2004 12:56 AM

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