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March 07, 2004
alone
there was a time in my life when i craved a lot of solitude. or at least, i got a lot of solitude, and i got something out of it sometimes that was very fulfilling. not always though. i was actually lonely a lot of the time, and craving human companionship. unfortunately, i wasn't very skilled at getting it.
living in town, not out in the woods, helps. living in the same place for a long time also helps. as the years go by, i accumulate more contacts and friends. i get a little better at conducting some kind of a social life.
still, i wind up with weekends like this, where i don't have a conversation for two days. it makes me jumpy and restless. i find myself stalking around the house with no purpose. stalking around the neighborhood for a while at least makes it possible to sit down for a minute and write something or do something focused, but a need unfulfilled has a way of coming to the forefront and getting in the way of other things.
when i had a boyfriend, i used him as a convenient cushion against unwanted solitude, but that had drawbacks. the first fine weekend after we broke up, i worked in the garden for hours, longer than i had probably in a year. i realized that i let him take up energy that i should have been using for other things-- that i let my life get out of balance. maybe that should have been a clue that things were not right with the two of us.
for some reason i look forward to nightfall. i feel more comfortable in the dark. last night i took a walk because there was a full moon that i wanted to look at, and some good clouds. stuff like that does make me miss the cabin because the buildings get in the way of the moon.
anyway.
Posted by lisa at March 07, 2004 04:42 PM | TrackBack
ok, so a) your comment won't post right away because i have to approve it first and b) you might get a server error but your comment probably posted anyway and c) previewing doesn't work so i've removed the preview button.