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April 18, 2005

Koyaanisqatsi

balance seems to be a struggle for me again. i can see the signs that something bigger than a brief crying spell in my office might be on the way. there is a great deal of revision happening in my life at the moment. relationships are changing, new ones are forming and old ones are fading. my house is, literally, on shaky footing as the water presses in and wears down the foundation. as i struggle to bend the westy project to my will, i have to question whether i should be making an investment in such a rusty old vehicle, especially since i have no plans for a proper mechanical restoration. work is demanding and scary; i can't speak much of the scariness but it is there.

coming up in may is a trip up to see my mom's side of the family, with mom. although i will enjoy it, it will be difficult as well. i will see grandma and she is not the person i once knew, so that will be sad. now i know that if i do not improve my state of mind before then, i will have a hard time making that trip. i feel many pressures and no way to release myself from them. as i was mowing what passes as grass in my vast back yard, i suddenly felt overwhelmed and defeated by the house, in over my head.

i tell myself to appreciate what i have and not complain. i remind myself constantly that i am master of my own life, if i choose to be.

Posted by lisa at April 18, 2005 11:27 AM | TrackBack

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I know all too well that feeling of being out of control and overcommitted. For what it's worth, trying to feel like master of my own life never works for me. Instead I've been trying to roll with it & accept not being totally in control, not feel like a failure for not being on top of every single thing I wish I were doing.

Don't know that I'm succeeding all that well, but that's the goal at least.

Posted by: Sarah on April 18, 2005 02:50 PM

i guess i'm thinking about the ways my fears and insecurities hold me back from being in charge of aspects of my life.

Posted by: lisa on April 18, 2005 07:05 PM

Its difficult for most of us to attain that level of control in ones life. What I have done is to learn as much as I can from my fears and recognize when they affect me not to over burden myself or worry. I tell myself I can only control my reaction to that fear and not the fear itself. I find that this helps me cope with whatever issue has come into play.
You know how thin I spread myself, so I speak from experience. Just call me by my indian name, one who rolls with punches.

Posted by: JasonB on April 19, 2005 01:54 PM

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