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March 22, 2006
Astounding Undergarments
I visited a very lonely JC Penney's yesterday. The thing I love about department stores is how old-fashioned they seem. Can you imagine getting your watch fixed at Wal-Mart? Your hair permed at Target? A proper fitting for, ahem, ladies undergarments at a K-Mart?
But places like JC Penney have all of that. Stepping into such a place can seem as if the 60's never happened, particularly in the lingerie department.
Ok: if you're going to be squeamish about it, you can just stop reading here. Yes, I'm going to discuss underwear. But not my underwear. My underwear isn't anywhere near as extraordinary as what I'm about to show you. Oh no.
In the lingerie department lurks a woman who has had passed down to her the Old Knowledge. The lore of those things that make the women in the old movies and TV shows look strangely precise, like a line drawing.
They don't only know how to fit you for one of those conical, put-your-eye-out bras, but for things that might cover almost your entire body.
We'll start simply, with what is called a long-line bra:
They say that the support is supposed to come from below, from the band. This carries that principle to its logical extreme, while simultaneously guaranteeing that the wearer will be unable to breathe unless she possess an hourglass figure.
Rising up to meet the long line is the "Body Briefer":
This extraordinary undergarment is supposed to provide back support, correct posture, and "tummy control".
If that doesn't cover quite enough of you, there is a wide array of body briefers that cover ever-increasing amounts of you:
Now– imagine a North Carolina summer. Imagine wearing such a thing. Imagine wearing a layer of clothing over it as well. Oops, I just passed out from heat exhaustion.
You can see where this is going. Yes, they have girdles:
But I think you didn't see this one coming...
Its purpose is quite the opposite of a girdle.
Posted by lisa at March 22, 2006 10:49 PM
Comments
I can't imagine that anyone would want to ADD to their butt and thighs. I have extra, if anyone wants it.
Posted by: pinky on March 23, 2006 10:29 AM
i did know someone, once, who owned one of those-- a man who wanted to pass as a woman.
Posted by: lisa on March 23, 2006 11:54 AM
What, no corsets? ;) I bet you can still get a garter belt at JCPenney's, too. And I notice that, while some very slim folks might want to have a rounder butt and hips, ain't NOBODY asking for an undergarment that gives them a little extra belly padding...
Posted by: Penny on March 23, 2006 12:31 PM
It looks like the crash pads skaters wear when they learn the axel.
Posted by: Stephanie on March 23, 2006 12:51 PM
i think they do have some corsets/bustiers listed in their "bridal" category, but i felt that corsets were not quite as extraordinarily old-school as the rest of this stuff.
in fact, they do have a combination girdle/garter belt. now THAT will keep your stockings up! none of that flimsy garter belt stuff like they sell at Victoria's Sekrit.
Posted by: lisa on March 23, 2006 01:04 PM
ok, so a) your comment won't post right away because i have to approve it first and b) you might get a server error but your comment probably posted anyway and c) previewing doesn't work so i've removed the preview button.