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April 26, 2004

eh, pt. 2

i feel better today, but still tired... not just physically, but mentally. a good day for daydreaming and napping but unfortunately i have this work thing that i'm supposed to do most of the time and all, so here i am staring at the clouds out my window. yes, i am lucky, i have an office and i have a window, but then i have also worked here for 15 years through two shitty managers and countless abusive co-workers, gender bias, and all that good stuff so maybe i should give myself more credit and not chalk it up to luck.

when i was looking at the westy with sean it was this fine line between getting the seller to tell me lots of good information and not having him treat me like a girl. and by the end, he was talking a lot to sean and less to me, but whatever. i have ears, i heard everything anyway.

but i think that pretending to be a boy is kinda tiring, like any new thing to learn, it takes mental energy. i feel like i have a much stronger theoretical grasp of the car's systems than i did when i first started lurking on the vanagon list back in the fall. but just because i've studied the language doesn't mean i can speak it. and the electrical stuff still blows my mind-- it'll be a while before i can get my head around that. in the meantime, i think i had better get a set of jumper cables.

there are insects mating on my window.

i'm realizing just how much anxiety i have, in general, surrounding transportation, and i don't really know why that is. maybe my parents would freak out every time the old beetle left us stranded, or something. maybe it's just that, without a car, around here, it's hard to have a job, and back when i was really poor i was always terrified of the car letting me down and losing my job.

actually, the car really did let me down once, and i couldn't afford to fix it, and then it got worse and died. that was a really bad scene. i was so poor. i had no idea of how to take care of a car, which is why it let me down. it was like, no one thought i might need to know the most basic things, because... because i was a girl? there was no logic to it. but whenever my stepfather went out to work on the old galaxy, he always asked my stepbrother to come help. i was interested but never tagged along, and was never asked. it was their thing. i remember even then not being satisfied with the quality of work my stepfather did on the interior, though :) guess i've always had a thing for interiors.

i'm totally rambling.

Posted by lisa at April 26, 2004 01:17 PM | TrackBack

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