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April 04, 2005

anxiety dreams and pointy shoes

awoke this morning to an anxiety dream about the westy, then found that other, completely unrelated anxieties started to surface. are early morning anxieties more founded in reality or more groundless? at first i thought, i should listen to these since they seem to come from a deeper part of my brain, but as i became more awake, i remembered that i don't want to allow my anxieties-- which are often generated by insecurities, not intuition-- to be in charge. so they've been duly listented to then packed away as best i can.

throughout the week, the shoes i wear collect near the front door and provide a picture of how i've been dressing recently. in a very general sense, i have two classes of shoes: shoes that are comfortable, look like hobbit shoes and are generally black or gray, and shoes that are not all that comfortable, look ladylike and feminine, and come in many colors.

at some point this weekend, i looked down at the puddle of recently-worn shoes and felt distress over their rounded drabness. there were no special shoes in that pile (except my converse). things have been like this for some weeks now, dating back to the start of the Furnace Troubles i suppose, but this is the first time i felt distress over it.

so this morning i felt for the first time in quite a while the desire to dress a little more like a girl and even had a skirt in my hands when i realized that my legs were not really ready for display under a skirt. i might hope that no one will look at my legs closely enough to notice, but that is probably a futile hope. so i put the skirt back.

instead i wore the pointiest of my pointy shoes. they have slippery soles and stay on precariously, largely due to toe-pinching. i wore a different, more comfortable pair of shoes to drive to work and walk across the parking lot. a lot of trouble; what makes me willing to go to this trouble one day and not another?

Posted by lisa at April 04, 2005 12:39 PM | TrackBack


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